You might remember a few posts back I put out a plea for one of our Chenzhou boys. If not, you can read it here
After writing that, I started thinking, what if he is MY son and not someone else's? I tossed it around for a bit, and it really kind of made sense. He is close to Sawyers age, I KNOW him, his special need is not a big deal. We paid off the debt so Mark can't use that against me. And while I did not feel the same as I did with the girls, that feeling of YES this HAS to happen, I felt good enough to throw the idea at Mark.
Who dismissed me at once. Imagine that.
Can you even picture what it is like to be married to me? Most husbands ask how was your day and probably get the typical answer. Kids are crazy, blah blah.
Not my husband, he gets "hey honey, I think I found our 6th child"!
I am not one to be turned down so easily, so I just kind of thew the idea out randomly.
My random is probably a BIT more than the average persons.
He gave me all the reasons why he did not feel I was right.
I reminded him of the times I WAS right and he was very wrong.
He loves that.
So this went on for weeks. And the thing was, I was not being super pushy this time, because I was just not TOTALLY sure.
Just sure enough to know we were supposed to pursue this idea.
While at the beach I had hoped we could talk about it. Pray about it.
Get a big old yes so I could take a picture of his name written in the sand. Or something like that.
There were days I felt it was yes. Days I felt unsure.
Actually there were even hours I felt yes, and no.
On our 16 hour drive home that I still need to finish writing about, and a few subtle hints at Mark that he needed to MAKE A DECISION, he felt the Lord calling us to fast together. I was like, ok good, we get home Monday so Tuesday we will fast and Wednesday we will call the agency and say yes and then we can tell all our family and friends and celebrate all weekend!
Mark said a 3 day fast.
Um, is that even possible? Because I have been trying a 500 calorie diet and I thought that was torture.
And I really REALLY like food.
But I desperately wanted an answer.
Because if it is YES, we need to get moving on some paperwork for this sweet boy who waits.
And if it is no, well then I am going to be doing all I can to find him a family!
I really felt it was going to be YES. BUT I also felt deep deep down, that I was just not sure, and that I was begging God to let my husband lead in a YES. Because then I could blame him if I heard wrong and if we were not following Gods lead.
That is a total joke.
But I did keep going back to the part of when we adopted our girls, it was because God spoke so clear to me both times. I mean CLEAR.
And I was not feeling that. However maybe fear can do that.
So, we agreed, we would spend 3 days BEGGING God to answer.
And because God is God He also sent us 2 safe family kids the day we returned from vacation. 2 & 3 years old. (more to come on them)
So now I get to fast and HEAR from the Lord while parenting SEVEN children. 2 who are crazy, one who is off her school schedule so might also be classified as crazy right now. And of course recover from vacation.
It has been a great week here. ;-)
We prayed, we cried, we read, we researched, we talked.
I watched Mark truly wrestle with God.
I thought he was going to say yes. We talked about language and schooling and all the things a 12 year old boy would involve.
We talked about the future this boy has in China if he does not get adopted.
Our hearts were broken and open.
And God said no.
Not because of money or language or older boy or ANY of that.
He just said not yet. This is not the time.
And when Mark said that, I honestly felt relief wash over me.
Yet immediately guilty. I did WANT to be his mommy. But in many ways I felt I was making myself WANT to want. If that makes sense.
And I feel guilt over the fact that he NEEDS a family. He only has 2 years left before he ages out.
It breaks me to think of that.
But I know this. I can NOT adopt based on guilt or MY feelings.
It has to be about God and His will.
My prayer is that Charlie's family will step up soon, that I can SEE how his story will unfold. He really is an AMAZING boy.
I don't know why God laid him so deeply on us. And then said no.
I mean seriously, do ALL families go through this?
Maybe we all should. Because there are so many children out there, and I wonder what would happen if more would be willing to fast and pray and ASK God, "is MY child waiting"?
I am SO so thankful for a husband who LOVES me, but loves the Lord even more. Most husbands would probably blow it off and say DONE. Or say oh fine, lets just do it. My husband goes to the One who MADE adoption.
And he listens.
Please join me in praying that Charlie's family finds him quickly, and spread the word that he waits. You can read all about him on my Meet Charlie post! In just 34 DAYS I will be heading over to China and will be spending time with him. I sure hope he has a family and I can share that with him.